20
GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE November 8, 1996
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BOY?
Albert Herring
Height:
6'4'
Weight:
185 lbs.
Eyes:
Blue
Hair:
Blond
Age:
22, but
behaves like 15
Last seen at the May Festival Celebration. May be intoxicated and disoriented.
REWARD!
Many rewards will be yours when you attend the
Cleveland Institute of Music Opera Theater production of
Benjamin Britten's ALBERT HERRING.
November 13 and 16 at 8:00 p.m.
November 15 at 2:00 p.m.
Tickets: $10 Adults; $5 students and seniors
Call 216-791-5000, ext. 411
Help us find innocent, young Albert Herring before he gets into too much trouble!
The Cleveland Institute MISIC
One Business, One Lawyer
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ATTORNEY AT LAW
300 Left Bank Building
1250 Riverbed Street
Cleveland, Ohio 44113
Tel: (216)781-1250 FAX: (216)781-1246
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just because you're gay...
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THE SALON
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EVENINGS OUT
Making relationships last
Continued from previous page
For those opting for non-monogamy, what do you suggest?
Well, in [David] McWhirter and [Andrew] Mattison's [1984] book The Male Couple, they have a list of the kinds of ground rules that they found, talking to people in open relationships, worked best.
It really differs for different people. People say, "You can have sex with somebody else when I'm not in town." "Not in the house." "Not in the bedroom." "Not more than once." I certainly have worked with couples who want to have an open relationship, and what I work with them in terms of is the ground rules.
What's crucial is to be clear about what each partner wants so that there are no unpleasant surprises.
Exactly. Very clear. And that's really hard for people to do. Very often what happens is one says, “Oh, but I thought the agreement was... "Oh, no, no. That wasn't the agreement. We talked about it, don't you remember?”
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You have to really keep at people about being specific about the ground rules. The ground rules [must] really come from what you want, not what you think should you be saying. And then, be consistent. Or at least be willing to keep talking about how it's going.
How can a couple differentiate between a relationship that needs work and is worth saving, and one that should simply be abandoned?
That is a superb question because I work with people all the time who are trying to decide if this is the right person, if this is the right relationship. "Is it healthy to go on, keep trying?"
I have a chapter in the book called "The Challenge to Keep Growing-Does It Have to Be So Much Work?" People say, "Well, I don't really want to be in a relationship that I have to work on all the time." But, you know, every relationship requires work if it's going to be really viable and enjoyable.
I have found in my own life—and I find with clients-that commitment to permanency is very, very important. So much can be accomplished when two people really make a commitment to one another that they're going to be there no matter what. I try to get people to do that. Especially people who have an investment of years in a relationship, and who have just come to a point where it doesn't feel good anymore. I try to get them to make that commitment to work on it. "Let's look at what's going on here."
I have another chapter in the book that's called "Is This Really It? Am I Missing Something Out There?" Rather than working with them in terms of looking out there for what they're missing, I try to get them to look in the relationship to see what's missing there. Very often that does work.
I have at times-not very often-said to people, "Why do you want to go on with this?" These would be people who, after quite a few sessions of watching their interaction, I see don't even like each other. They're torturing each other. I say, "Why do you want to go on torturing each other?"
Or sometimes--and I hesitate to say thisit's just true that one person is emotionally rather disturbed as an individual. Working in this format, with the couple, you can see that this is just not going to work.
513-427-3074
For two people who feel their relationship is in trouble-but who want to save it-what avenues exist?
Well, there are now a lot of books if people are interested in that. I am gratified to say a lot of people use Permanent Partners in that way. And I think this book will be very valuable for people, too, because it deals with different issues and serious problems more so than Permanent Partners did.
There are, especially in large cities, many, many openly gay therapists now who understand quite a lot about same-sex
Betty Berzon
NY PARTNERS
The Intimacy
Danec
A Guide to Long Term Success in
Gay and Lesbian Relationships
relationships and how to make them work. I actually have a chapter in this book, as you know, called "Couple CounselingHow Can It Help?" It's still really true in this country that many people look upon psychotherapy as something that you do if you're crazy. Their family background simply mitigates against their feeling comfortable going to a therapist. But therapists can help quite a lot in a relationship.
I know firsthand that having a partner who is a psychotherapist certainly makes "talking about it” and “working it out" a lot easier. But there is a widespread myth out there that therapists have all the answers when dealing with their own intimate relationships. Would you like to dispel that myth?
[Laughs] Yes, I certainly would like to dispel that myth because we do what everybody else does in relationships. We do such things as bring the unfinished business of our childhood into the relationship, and so there's that whole layer that goes on that we do not particularly have insight into when it's happening.
I try very hard to practice what I write, but I am not always successful. It does help, I find, that I have thought through so many of these things. Sometimes I will have a fight with my lover, and what I really want to do is just go away and pout and not even deal with it. [Laughs] But I say, "I've written this damned book, so I can't do that. As miserable as this is, as horrible as it feels, I have to stay here and work this through until something is different, until something is learned that will help in the future." ✓
Dr. Betty Berzon will read from The Intimacy Dance and answer questions about relationships, at An Open Book, 749 N. High St. in Columbus, Friday November 15, at 7 pm.
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